Often I’d lie awake all night, staring out from beyond myself until the first fingers of light began to gently pull the mantle of darkness away from the world. Thinking, breathing, hoping. At a depth where no Light had the right to shine. Yet there was always Light. Illuminating the truth. The lies. And everything else that was asking to be understood.
I think it was Jeb Dickerson that once wrote; "Only in the early morning light of day, and of life, can we see the world without its shadows. Truth requires new beginnings".
The hard truth, was that I'd lived out most of my life in the absence of any inner-calm whatsoever. Even with the Wizard on-board, meditating, healing and breathing, it would seem my default operating system was running on deep inner-turbulence, anxiety and stress. And I had been completely unaware.
It wasn’t until all those long and lonely nights in hospital that I finally found a way to be truly still and present with myself. Despite what was happening physically, emotionally and spiritually I had been gifted, albeit in a deeply twisted way, this rare and precious time to know what real calm really was, and how true calm really felt.
But that would come later. As the first few days and nights of incarceration brought with it entirely new levels of stress and chaos.
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